The Big Event
Today was the long-awaited Rapture, at which:
…the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
1 Thessalonians 4:15-17
Unfortunately, the centuries of squabbling between various Christian sects has muddied the waters about what being ‘in Christ‘ actually entails, resulting in a poor attendance at today’s big event.
The Big Flop
Barry Higgins of 24 Lamarck Road, Kent. Sole ascendant during the Rapture
Despite finally being predicted correctly by Harold Camping (after a previous miscalculation that placed it back in 1992) and regardless of a flurry of pre-Rapture preparations by Christian fundamentalists around the world, it seems that the only person who actually ascended to meet with the Lord was Barry Higgins of 24 Lamarck Road, Kent.
Barry’s wife Margaret was surprised when her husband suddenly started floating as they walked to their car following an afternoon shopping at their local Lidl.
‘At six o’clock we were carrying the shopping back to the car, when he [Barry] suddenly said he felt a bit light-headed. I thought he might be having one of his turns, but instead he floated out of his brand new Clark’s slip-ons and started rising. It was quite slow at first, but then he started gaining speed until he vanished into the clouds.
He was a lovely man and treated me well until he left me there with all that shopping to get home – and I’ll never get through this lot on my own. I bet his Life Insurance won’t pay out a penny either, since he’ll live forever and it’ll count as an Act of God. His shoes should sell on Ebay though, especially since I got some photos of him floating off with my camera phone as proof.’
The Secret to Rapture
Apparently Barry was a quiet, gentle man who enjoyed a few glasses of beer and liked gardening. He didn’t attend any church and kept his religious views to himself, although when pressed he would apparently say that he was ‘probably a humanist‘ and that he ‘liked some of what Jesus taught’, but thought ‘most of the stuff in the Bible is a bit far-fetched‘ he also reportedly once said that the God of the Old Testament was a ‘bit of a nutcase‘.
It is now in question whether the Battle of Armageddon will go ahead on October 21st as planned, after such a poor turn-out for the Rapture. It seems likely that Jesus may want to wait a bit longer to build up more support, since Barry Higgins is reported as being ‘rubbish in a fight‘ by his younger brother Thomas. We await confirmation of this decision by Jesus’ self-appointed booking agent on Earth, Harold Camping.