Apocalypse not now

After the disappointing turn out for the Rapture in May, rumours that the Apocalypse would be postponed have proven well-founded.

The Battle of Armageddon was due to occur yesterday in the plains outside Megiddo in Israel, but the confrontation was cancelled because Christ was unable to field a full team and faced disqualification.

Team Antichrist were said to be disappointed by this most recent cancellation, a spokesdemon made the following statement:

Sirrush with Whore of Babylon

Rumour has it that the seven-headed Sirrush is in the reserve squad due to concerns about fitness after a string of wild nights with the Whore of Babylon

“This is the twelfth cancellation in the last century and quite frankly we’re getting a bit fed up. There’s always some excuse, but it always comes down to the fact that their selection criteria are ridiculous and confusing so they can never get a full team together.

We’ve got a great line-up, I mean, we had to put the seven-headed Sirrush in the reserves because the first team is so strong – what has Christ got to match that? Barry Higgins is on Christ’s front line and even Barry’s brother says he’s a wuss.”

Concerns have also been raised about the lack of impartiality in the administration of the competition. A loophole in the rules says that Christ has the authority to judge both the living and the dead, but he is also meant to be captaining one of the teams. This situation has been described as a ‘stitch-up’ and an investigation has been launched.

Jesus disappointed by Rapture flop

The Big Event

Today was the long-awaited Rapture, at which:

…the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17

Unfortunately, the centuries of squabbling between various Christian sects has muddied the waters about what being ‘in Christ‘ actually entails, resulting in a poor attendance at today’s big event.

The Big Flop

Barry Higgins of 24 Lamarck Road, Kent. Sole ascendant during the Rapture

Despite finally being predicted correctly by Harold Camping (after a previous miscalculation that placed it back in 1992) and regardless of a flurry of pre-Rapture preparations by Christian fundamentalists around the world, it seems that the only person who actually ascended to meet with the Lord was Barry Higgins of 24 Lamarck Road, Kent.

The Ascent

Barry’s wife Margaret was surprised when her husband suddenly started floating as they walked to their car following an afternoon shopping at their local Lidl.

‘At six o’clock we were carrying the shopping back to the car, when he [Barry] suddenly said he felt a bit light-headed. I thought he might be having one of his turns, but instead he floated out of his brand new Clark’s slip-ons and started rising. It was quite slow at first, but then he started gaining speed until he vanished into the clouds.

He was a lovely man and treated me well until he left me there with all that shopping to get home – and I’ll never get through this lot on my own. I bet his Life Insurance won’t pay out a penny either, since he’ll live forever and it’ll count as an Act of God. His shoes should sell on Ebay though, especially since I got some photos of him floating off with my camera phone as proof.’

The Secret to Rapture

Apparently Barry was a quiet, gentle man who enjoyed a few glasses of beer and liked gardening. He didn’t attend any church and kept his religious views to himself, although when pressed he would apparently say that he was ‘probably a humanist‘ and that he ‘liked some of what Jesus taught’, but thought ‘most of the stuff in the Bible is a bit far-fetched‘ he also reportedly once said that the God of the Old Testament was a ‘bit of a nutcase‘.

Apocalypse Postponed?

It is now in question whether the Battle of Armageddon will go ahead on October 21st as planned, after such a poor turn-out for the Rapture. It seems likely that Jesus may want to wait a bit longer to build up more support, since Barry Higgins is reported as being ‘rubbish in a fight‘ by his younger brother Thomas. We await confirmation of this decision by Jesus’ self-appointed booking agent on Earth, Harold Camping.